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Ep 254 Transcript

00:02

All right, welcome to this episode of The joyful scaling Podcast. Today, we’re talking about healing from past trauma and unprocessed pain, and the transformation that is possible through Christ. I’m here with Brenda Gomez. She is a speaker, teacher and mindset coach and sees the author of an amazing book. It’s called Do not conform, transformation awaits a spiritual guide to healing and thriving. Brenda is passionate about seeing others heal, so they can thrive. And she uses her book as a teaching tool to help others find healing from childhood trauma and unprocessed pain. So I want you to think about this. Ladies, this is a tough topic. And maybe this is a topic that you’ve kind of squished down. And like, I don’t have to think about that. And you think it’s not impacting you. But it really is. And we’re here to tell you that healing is there. It’s available to you, but only when you do the work. So let’s welcome Brenda to the show.

 

00:59

Hello, hello, Judy. Hello, friends. Excited to be here, I am so excited to be with you. And to pour into your ladies, your wonderful, wonderful community.

 

01:11

Thank you, thank you, they are going to be so blessed by this no doubt in my mind, because I know your book has already impacted so many lives. And I love that it’s broken into three parts, the suffering, the awakening, and the healing. And I’d love to go through each of those. But first, can you tell the ladies that may not be familiar with you a little bit about your background? And what led you to write this really amazing book?

 

01:35

Well, the funny thing is that I’m really, I’m a hygenist. Really, I don’t know how I got caught up in in writing a book. But God knows how we get caught up in things right? He has a perfect plan. And so I think that working as a hedge, Jonas has given me the opportunity to work with people to to get inside the inside scoop of all kinds of generations. And so that has been that sort of like a lab like a study lab for people humanity, perseverance, Joe joys and sufferings and things like that. But really, on a personal level, I have experienced trauma, and I have experienced on process pain. And I am, I’ve always been a little girl who’s always been a dreamer. I’ve always had goals and dreams and, and so I had this desire to do great things, right. And somehow life has a way of dimming those things right through throughout life throughout circumstances. And but I never lost a little fire, a little drive to do things. I didn’t realize how much those unprocessed things took hold of my life as I got older, until I had children. Once I had my children, it that’s when the awakening took place. Right like God began to press me and to show me a better path. It was scary, because that required some counseling with my pastor, and unraveling and unpacking things. But the ultimate goal was to be a better servant, a better mom, a better leader, a better business woman, this is a new area for me that I’m exploring as a businesswoman. And so I’m so happy to be here with you ladies. Because I feel like there’s so many things that we’re not aware of, like you said in the beginning, that kind of create like, blocks are hindrances in our in reaching our full potential. And one of the things that gives me extreme drive is to to get those untapped gifts to surface to blossom. And so that women could see that they have so much inside of them that we need, right, we need those gifts. And so I that’s more or less how I got into into this whole field. And it’s, you know, once you heal, you see how great life is and how the clarity that comes out of that the you know, a vision and a mission comes out of that a brand new vision and mission come out of that. And so, I found myself starting and stopping starting and stopping, starting and stopping all kinds of projects and not being able to fully fully fulfill until I was healed. Once I was healed, I was full force I’m finishing the book, I’m going deeper into coaching I’m going deeper into and this such a lightness inside of you, you know So already a lightness inside of you is you just got to go get it.

 

04:40

And so that is just I mean there’s I’m taking notes like I’ve got a full page. I love it just said okay, let’s see, where should I start? This idea of always having this drive like being a big dreamer and never giving up and I love that you never lost the drive but somehow something was holding you back And then at the end, that’s what you said in the beginning. And then at the end, you said, I have this thing where I was like starting something, and then stopping and then starting and stopping, but then healing. So I think there are a lot of women that can relate to this, even even just in business where they started going, it’s harder than they thought, then they stop, or they start a book, and then they never quite get it done. So So can you take us through, I don’t know, if you want to go back to the suffering and talk about maybe some things that we might be holding on to that we may not even realize that might be a good place to start?

 

05:32

Absolutely. So I think that a few things to speak into any type of unprocessed pain or trauma, right. And we’re Maya Angelou says that we’re more alike than we’re different. Right? She, there’s this quote, she has a love because we are so much more like the book, a lot of women can’t relate to the specific stories that I share. It’s very raw, and very honest and transparent. Because I want women to see that you’re not alone. And, you know, I cover a lot of things. So I cover alcoholism in the home, I cover abandonment, right from my parents, I cover. Violence, I cover, abuse, there’s there’s all kinds of abuse, right? And so those things, even though we’re strong, and we’re busy, and we you know, we have jobs, and we have families that we’re you know, we’re moving around in life, it doesn’t mean you’re truly living, because that’s deposited into your, into your body, and and to your impact that you’re naturally free. So how does that show up, for example, in business, your reaction to things, the way you respond to, you know, your triggers, everyone has like some type of trigger, how do you respond to do you respond to that from a place of health, of awareness? Or do you respond in a way that doesn’t edify and doesn’t build your business? And so you have to explore where did that come from? Why do I respond in the way that I respond? Why? A lot of it is fear, right? That’s a big part of the book is anxiety. For me, it was anxiety. That’s how it showed up in my work in my life in my marriage with my children. So fear is a big thing, right? And fear will make us act a certain way. That is not conducive. It doesn’t, it doesn’t help, it just hurts. And then we get frustrated. And then we dismiss people and then we you know, and so it just creates this big ball of chaos, right, that we can prevent, by truly going a little bit deeper. And listen, God is not a God of condemnation. He’s not and wants to heal you and move forward. We don’t want to waste energy and time and, and we just but we do want to unpack it, learn how to cope. I will have triggers for the rest of my life. That’s the honest truth. Right? This is not easy. And, but I recognize it. I recognize what’s from God and what’s not from God, and I’m able to take care of it before it takes root. In in Go. Okay,

 

08:07

so So I think we’ve moved from the suffering to the awakening, right? Yes. When you were talking about awareness, I think that’s kind of the awakening. Is that right? Yes, yes, yes. Because I think I think like for me, I’ve suffered with anxiety in the past panic, even agoraphobia for a time, thank God that didn’t last forever. I’ve overcome eating disorders through Christ. But I think there’s some women that may not even realize they’re suffering. So I think that this awakening is huge. So I really want that I want to unpack that. How can we become aware? Like maybe maybe as a quick example, in business when the naysayers come? Yeah, you’re the one with the reaction. Oh, I’m a fraud. You know, what you just said is right. I don’t know what I’m talking about, you know, that kind of thing. So I would love us to talk about how do we become aware through maybe our reactions and our fear based, you know, decisions in order to say, you know, what, wow, this is a problem I need healing from.

 

09:12

Yes, that’s a big one. Because when you have experience of past it, and it’s not even childhood trauma, it can be a bad divorce, right, that left you broke in and, and full of shame and guilt, or whatever it is, right. So for me, one of the things that was really important was that I would get very defensive with constructive criticism, right? There are naysayers that are just naysayers, right? And then this constructive criticism. So recognizing Where’s it coming from the source right for me was very difficult because I was in such a fog that I couldn’t differentiate between the two. And to me, it just felt like an attack no matter what. I was defensive because it was scary for someone to judge me. And so I’m now Post awareness and healing, right? I’m able to take a deep breath, I’m able to pause, I’m able to reflect, I’m able to investigate, I met, I’m able to ask the right questions. Is this going to be beneficial for me this construct of it, even if it hurts, even if it’s uncomfortable? Or is this someone that really I don’t need to put energy into, because it’s just someone who wants to do what I’m doing? And is that able to, so they’re scared, and they’re on their own journey of healing. And so I basically pray for them, I do, I pray for them, I don’t entertain it, I don’t enter into it, I choose to separate myself from that. And I just to stay connected to the fire, I choose to stay connected to the women that are for me, the women that have the same mindset, and kind of keep that circle real tight when things like that come up.

 

10:51

Okay, so that’s excellent. And I want to get to some of those tips on, you know, maybe even how to realize that you are in process of healing. And I think that’s a really great one that you said about when ever someone has a good word for you, that your knee jerk reaction, and I understand I used to suffer with this is like, oh, condemnation, you know, said, You, I love how he said, I just sit, I accept it, I may not accept it, I sit with it. I pray about it. And I consider and I asked those questions that we’re going to go deeper into, I think it a little bit like the questions that you ask, you know, is this really something that I need to address? Or is there something else going on, but I really want to go back to the, to the awareness. So if any woman is out there listening, and we’ve all gone through stuff? Maybe she’s strong? And she’s thinking, well, this isn’t for me, and you know, it’s no big deal. And I’ve dealt with it this long, and I’m okay. Like, like, how can? How can she become aware of how that past trauma, as you say, unprocess how that’s affecting her life?

 

12:06

Well, if one of the things that a few things to look for, right, if you’re constantly struggling in your relationships, your your, your major love relationships, right? Your your, your spouse, or your children or you know, your siblings, or your parents or if you’re constantly in conflict about something. There is something there, right, that’s one thing. If you are struggling with completing goals, and reaching your dreams, and if you’re on and off, and any little thing triggers you, like any little thing would throw me off my feet. And I was like, forget it. There’s so much work, I can’t I I’m good. Right? That’s a lie from the enemy. Right? Because we were created to have an abundant life. We were created for all of it. We were created to to achieve goals. We were that design does right with it to to and also designed to withstand pressure. We can’t do hard things. We were equipped that way. So if you’re constantly starting, quitting, started creating, that’s a big sign. That’s a big red flag. If you’re constantly in fear of what’s going to happen to my children, are they okay? What’s going to happen to my business? If you’re constantly under, you know, we have a negativity bias, right? If you’re constantly in that negativity, bias state, that’s not normal. I thought it was right. I was being vigilant. I was being a cautious mom, you know, you justified and so you’re constantly in those states of unease of fog of confusion of stress, something let’s investigate, where is that coming from? It’s not natural, and it’s not healthy. And it’s not from bad. And so those are some of the things to look for and kind. And also, if you have people pressing you and say, let’s look into this, are you okay? Are you you know, is there something? Is there a different? Maybe you’re overthinking this, or maybe, um, you know, we need to unpack if you have people because God will send you people to to help you see it. And if you’re like me, you’re going to run and you’re going to get upset and you’re going to be like, I’m fine.

 

14:26

Like, I wish to what back off. I read about that in the book. Like towards my past. I wish he was just back off because he has no idea.

 

14:33

You know, and so I wore a lot of makeup. Pretty concealer because I didn’t sleep from the anxiety that I was struggling with a lot of concealer to cover up, you know, and I could run in the book that I’m going in. I would go to church on my I’m going in. I’m gonna win that Oscar today. How are you doing? Oh, how

 

14:54

about that? Yeah, so interesting,

 

14:57

right? I’m fine. I’m great. Like I mean, you develop these skills of coping, that you believe in yourself, then you’re fine. And so, but God was pressing, and then I began to open up my heart to him. And I began to start seeing things that were affecting my children that were affecting my relationship, my, my, my marriage, I began to see it, he began to show me. And so I began to go a little deeper, slowly, it’s very scary. So slowly I went in, and then when now I can tell you all those things, those triggers all those lies of lies from the enemy, I can clearly see him coming. Whereas before I would be thrown off my feet.

 

15:41

Okay, this is so good, because I think the revelation of, well, I guess any awareness of that’s alive the enemy, I reject you in Christ and move on and not even spend time ruminating it. Because what I find is, I want to talk really deep about the healing the process of healing, and what that looks like, and how we can get there. But I know that I know there are people who are constantly in this place of doubt, whether it’s about their faith, or if it’s about, you know, nuances of their faith, or if it’s about their business, and what that should really look like, and should they even do it in the first place? Or, you know, should they Is it a sin to pursue million bucks and all those kinds of things. And they, the enemy gives this thought, this doubt. And they spend so much time ruminating in the doubt. Instead of deciding, this is what I’m doing. I’m gonna go to God for direction. Do you know what I mean? And they just spend so much time what I call wallowing in the indecision. So if we, if anyone listening, and I’m sure there are that are saying, Oh, wow, wow, I think that’s me, what are some of the beginning steps toward healing? You know, that’s going to be painful. So how can we do that in a way that really will move the needle forward? Without maybe or the or is the fact this is going to hurt? So get ready?

 

17:06

Yes, yes. And I’m honest about that. I’m like, This is not for the weak at heart, right. But it is so worth it, I promise you, when you get to the end, you’re going to be so glad you entered. So as far as what it looks like is you have to find the right fit for you for this journey. One is that you need a community of sisters that are trustworthy, that’s number one, that are going to be there. When you fall, because you will fall, it will be painful. For me. It was the it was doubled over pain. Because you you when you when you start entering into these things, and you start to remember all the things that you tucked under the rug. And you have to unpack that it’s painful, right? So for me, it was excruciating pain, it was doubled over pain. And so when you start to get to that place, you you quit, you quit halfway through, because it’s too hard. It’s too much. I have to function. I’m a mom, I have work, I have business, I can’t I can’t do this right now. But then you have your sisters, your community to say, No, we’re going to do this to the end, and we’re going to walk together, we’re going to interlock arms. And we’re going to walk you all the way to the end. So that’s super, super important. And having somebody that stress within I had two powerhouse prayers, you know, my praying community, right, my, my, my covering. And so that’s one thing. The other thing is that you have to find the right fit, where you feel comfortable, being open and raw and transparent. That’s important. Because if I say one of the posts that I say in the book is that you you can’t heal unless you enter unless you go through that pain unless you sit in that pain, right? It’s sorrow comes through the night, but joy comes in the morning, you got to go through this sorrow, right to experience the joy in the morning. So those are some of the things because not everyone is for you. Not everyone is for this healing. Not everyone is willing to unpack that with you. Not everyone wants to go there with you. So finding the right person for you. And sometimes you have to go through a few people to find the right person for you. That’s one I’m working with a lot of as a coach, I’m working with a lot of people that are in a lot of pain. I’m basically leading them towards the journey of healing and the first step, so maybe practicing with a life coach, you’re unpacking with a life coach, knowing that the life coach does not have the credentials to help you take you all the way but it’s a good step. It’s a good starting point. Right? And so that’s what I do. I kind of help them get their thoughts in order so that they’re able to enter into that. Um, and I think being honest and naming it for a lot of years i i justified right because I wanted to honor my mom. I didn’t want to hurt the people that I love. And so I protected that and that kept me from you. longer than I needed to. So we got a name for what it is, if it was abuse, it was abused, there is forgiveness, I speak a lot about forgiveness. There is forgiveness, right? There’s forgiveness, but, but it is what it is. And we don’t sugarcoat that, because that keeps us from healing. And so, you know, this was some of the things that are their own boss with the healing process, they actual healing process.

 

20:25

Okay, great. That is so good. And I can imagine that that would be very hard. So when you’re talking about like, that someone can work with you. Someone can work with a pastor, someone can work with maybe a therapist, but how do you know when you are healing? How do you know when you are coming? You know, on your way to the other side?

 

20:48

Okay, this is this is a great question. I love this question. Um, so I remember the exact moment that I healed, right? And my pastor says, To me, there’s one more thing, we unpacked everything, we went through the whole entire thing from A to Z. And he said, there’s one more thing. And one of the things that I did was I wanted to give my kids security and joy. And I wanted them to have that, right. But it was very superficial, because it was constructed by me. It wasn’t real. I wasn’t living it out. I wasn’t living it right. So he said, You You can’t give them what you don’t have. Right? We know that. You they will model they will watch you and they will get an Adobe out of an overflow, they will get it from you. Right. But one of the things that was really big, and it’s big for a lot of women, is that any feel worthy. I didn’t feel worthy. Like you said, you said something key, and I wanted to touch on this point, you said something like, we don’t feel worthy of making a lot of money. We don’t feel worthy of that.

 

21:51

We don’t think we can there’s a lot of guilt around money. Yeah. Yeah. Christian, it’s a million dollars out, you know, on my goodness, yeah, I

 

21:59

struggled with that. Right. I think I still struggle with that. I think I still, you know, because we’re always on a journey of growth. And so for me, it was like, you know, to think about it, but thing is like, I can help more people. If I make more money, I can help more, I can help more, which is my heart. So we have to, you know, but that’s my feeling worthy of what God is trying to give. He’s handing it to you. But you have to feel worthy that he died for you. So that was one of the things that my pastor said, Bernard, God wants this for you. He wants it. Like he’s, he’s handing it to you like, you’re my daughter, I died for you. Right. And so that’s one of the things that I tried to help women to understand. It’s like, but but you can’t you don’t feel worthy until you want you know God’s character onto you know who you are in his eyes. Right? I know, him and I know of him. But I didn’t know that he was for me. Right that he was my God.

 

23:03

Yes, the personalization of it to say that when he was on the cross, it’s not that He died for the world, which he did. But he died for me like he thought of me. Yeah, one time, one Easter, the the, a couple of years ago, my pastor, like, allowed us to, he gave us space to close our eyes in and think of that, think of Jesus picturing you and enduring that hell that was the cross. And just kind of, you know, getting that idea of, of love, like how much he loves me? Yes. Just from that I can’t be worthless, I’ve got to be valuable. Right?

 

23:42

Exactly. And he wants you he wants you to have joy in your marriage, in your relationships in your business. He wants you to survive, he wants you to He wants that he wants you to live in your identity in him, not the world, that the pattern of the world. But his pattern, his pattern is perfect, right? And not that we’re going to be perfect until we get to heaven. But he wants you to He wants you to grow. He wants you to grow. And so that day I left his office. And when I I mean, I felt the Spirit of God in that room, I felt, I felt the love of God for the first time. Like in green in every fiber of my being. It was like in in every cell of my being when I walked out of there. I took a deep breath. And I was 40 years old. And for the first time the air got fully in my lungs. And I took that breath and I and I recognized what it was to breathe for the first time and it was the greatest experience that I’ve ever experienced. And I breathe in I breathe fully right now. It’s like that that presence of the Lord is is for me. I’m taking it all into my lungs into my mind into my soul and I operate from there I operate even when life gets hard, even when life gets hard. know who I am. I know what, and not in an arrogant way, with because, you know, we can all do too much of anything, right, we can all get caught up in too much of anything. It’s an it’s an A loving kind type of way. It’s an I want to, I want to spread this to my sisters, I want you to know who you are, how valuable you are to him, that he will stop and he will call you to healing. That’s where he did he called me to healing. He said, You know, there was an altar call once and my pastor pointed to me and he said, he called me to him. And of course, I was the caregiver because that was one of the identities that I kind of held dear and tight, right? Because you want to protect so you take care of others. So no one sees your stuff, right? And he said, I would like to pray for you. Will you love me? Now? That’s not what I heard. I heard Jesus say, I would like to hear your heart will you let me in?

 

25:50

That is so good. One of the things that you sent to me in the notes was a statement that just blew my mind. And that is our pain is part of our divine purpose. Yes. Now that sounds kind of like an oxymoron. Like, how many are you Lord? But we know not. So. Our part of our divine purpose? Yes.

 

26:22

Well, I think that, um, now that I am in this, I’m on the other side, right? I’m still healing, still growing, still maturing, but I am in a healthy place where I can speak into someone’s life and say, you have divine great purpose in your life. And God is going to use all of those things as a part of where he’s calling you to be. So for me my prayer, I know that I know that I know that my purpose is to bring hope to the brokenhearted, to bring light into the darkness. Right to to help you see who you really are. Right to move you to move you closer to to their purpose, that when you operate out of your purpose, it’s so comfortable. There’s ease, this is not worked for me this what we’re doing right now. This now you are you can testify to this. Where was I? back then? And where I am right now. Right? I was terrified.

 

27:28

I was gonna comment on that lady. I had interviewed Brenda, I gotta say, two, two and a half years ago, yeah, when the book was being written. And I always admired Brenda, She’s a strong woman of the Lord. But she was very, very nervous for the interview. And before we even before I hit the record button, I said, Hey, Brenda, how you doing? You’re being nervous. She does not feel nervous at all. Like, let’s go. And and that that is that’s that’s a you know, an evidence of the healing. So go on. I just had to say no,

 

27:58

I wanted to say that because I was terrified, right? Because I had not gone through the full process. And so my, my purpose is clear, crisp, clear. I know exactly. And you helped me a lot with that. Right? I was all over the place. Do you remember I was all over the place, Judy, I was ready to go all of the things, right? That was on purpose. My purpose is defined, there is the one thing that God has for you. Now it’s going to branch out to a lot of little things right, but the center the core, right, he has already designed you for that. And you helped me to kind of hone it in. And I will be forever grateful for that. Because you brought so much clarity, you helped me to find that clarity. That’s what you need a community you need a coach, you need someone that that has been there, done that and has grown in different areas, right? Like, you know, I have my pastor, I have my sisters, I have you I have you, everyone has a role to play in your life, let them in, let them in and have that teachable spirit. I took everything in everything that you shared with me, it’s been I’m activating. It’s activated. It’s I’m working on it. I’m clear. And that’s the biggest thing is that comes out of it is that you’re very clear on your purpose. And you’re protected. You protect it.

 

29:18

What do you mean by that? That’s a neat comment.

 

29:20

What I what I mean is that you don’t waver like you said, that doubt. And that, you know, uneasy and I’m not sure? No, no, no, no, no, I’m really sure. Um, you know, it’s very clear to me that this is where you know, you and not only that, when you start getting the testimonies from the people that you’re helping, yeah, then you know, then you know that you know, that you know, right, and you protect it because you’re getting, you’re getting, you’re seeing the fruit of that. And so I protect it from the lies of the enemy from the naysayers. I protect it from anyone that’s in not in alignment with what God has for me. I protect that circle, I keep a very tight circle. I have a lot of acquaintances. But I keep a very tight circle, that’s my purpose is protected by that core.

 

30:12

So good, so good. So I look at it as kind of like the three C’s. When you heal. You’ve got clarity, certainty and confidence. I love that in that purpose, right. And it’s so good. So ladies, listen, as we wrap up, I just want to say, if you have been brought to tears, and I was I mean, I’m an emotional person. But for some of you that have been brought to tears through listening, maybe that’s the Holy Spirit pricking, saying, You thought you didn’t have to, but Right, so I highly recommend rendus book. So can we end there like what anything on your heart that we didn’t get a chance to mention in the last half hour, and if you could, again, give the ladies the name of your book and where they can best find it.

 

30:59

Amen. So ladies, I want to tell you, from a sister to a sister, from a friend to a friend, from my heart to your heart, I want to tell you that it is time it is time it is time, do it now. And and find your blessing and find your purpose. And God has already placed the people that you need to do this, right. And it could be something small, but you don’t want any hindrances in your business, in your partnerships, in your in your friendships, in your in your home life in your ministry, you don’t want that. So my book can be found on Amazon and it is to not conform transformation awaits by Brenda Liz Gomez, there is a workbook component as well. So that if you want to wrestle with a sister together, and because I believe in accountability, you know, the the meat of it, the meat of the book is in the workbook, and so is to get to action. You know, there are a lot of stories the book is is basically, it’s your own personal coaching session, basically, where you give your story, I give you the teaching, I give me your reflection questions. And so it’s work on you, you know, the beautiful you that God created. And so I’m looking forward to this new season and whatever it is that God has for all of us.

 

32:19

Yes, that is so good. Is there a place online, that the ladies can actually connect with you? How can I do that?

 

32:26

Yes, yes. So you can go to Brenda certified coach calm. And you can email me through my website. And there’s a lot of information on the website that you can look at, that Judy helped me to hone in.

 

32:39

Thank you for that. But really

 

32:43

I’m so grateful for you for your work and everything that you’re doing.

 

32:48

Friend, thank you, I am honored to have you here on the show. And you know, you were a standout in the academy when you were inside of it. Everybody just gravitated to you as I did. And so ladies, I want to encourage everyone listening, you have an influence on people, people you may not even realize. And so when you do the work that Brent is talking about, you will experience life in a whole new way. And it will be with ease. And it will be with a confidence it will be so joy filled. And that’s what I’m all about you shouldn’t be but it shouldn’t feel like exhausting. So Brenda, thank you so much for sharing all of your wisdom. It’s been a wonderful time together.

 

33:41

Thank you so much. I love you guys. And I listen, I’ve made some real good connections in your group. So shout out to all the ladies that I still stay in touch with. We’re good friends. And I’m looking forward to this more this more in the future for us together.

 

33:55

Amen. Amen. All right. All right. Thank you and have a wonderful day. Thank you. Thank you ladies, thank you for listening. And if you’ve enjoyed this episode, would you please just take a moment right now, especially if you’re on iTunes, take a moment or Apple whatever it’s called. Take a moment, leave a rating and review even if it’s just a word or two. And be sure to reach out to Brenda because she has a heart to serve. So once again, thank you for listening and we will see you next time

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